I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
