So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
