It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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