He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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