My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
