My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
