It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
