There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
