You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
A bitchslap is in order.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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