I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
