your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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