I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
