dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
soo... how was my night?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
