mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
