You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
