I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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