I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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