I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
