I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
