he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
