i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize