Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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