if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
