You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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