i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
