i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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