Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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