they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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