On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
