i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
