Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
