K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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