A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
