I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
