I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
