I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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