i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
