We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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