hotel room ftw
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
