The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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