One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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