just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize