I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
