Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
