are you so shy because you have an std?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize