Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
