I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
