She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
