your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
