I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
