Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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