does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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