Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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