I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
the liver wants what the liver wants
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Your penis caused this!
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