wrigley field is MILF paradise
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
