I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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