everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
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