yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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