you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I have aggressive nipples.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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