if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
