i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
